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16 August 2009 @ 11:26 pm
The screams melt away in the sound of the rain and emotions reflect in the raindrops  
A tad emotional, beware. The ReS has been cracked out for the evening so you know its bad...

So last night I realised my life ambition. Its what I have always wanted to do, and the only thing I can see myself doing in the future. I have tried to sidetrack with wanting to be a doctor, and a stylist, and a teacher and a translator but at the end of the day all I want to do is to be heard, I want to have the world hear my voice and to affect people the way so many people have done for me. I want to continue on that legacy which seems to be so overlooked and under-appreciated; the way a voice can change someones life.

Basically, I just want to be able to sing forever.

And yesterday I realised that the rate I am going, there is next to no chance that will ever happen.
And that is depressing.
I have cried much over this and tears don't help.
It has broken my heart to realise how far away this dream is from me.

Fortunately Holly has been here to tell me if that is what I want to do, I have to do something about it. For example I am now hoping to join the UCLan choir or a singing society that they have, and hoping also that with taking up independent studies there is a chance I will be able to take up atleast one module from their Music Practise course.

On top of that, having had an angry day followed by a depressing evening, I have found myself unable to listen to anything other than Rentrer and not in the good kind of way I was yesterday. Alot of the things that have supported me through the years, non-personally-known-people-wise seem to be slowly falling away from me.
I thought I had come to terms with this.
I thought I could have accepted it by now.
It was eleven months ago today when the news was broken and I still feel ripped in two from it.
Despite how I have tried, no-one will be able to fill that gap that they have left.
I have often found myself wondering if it is even worth it now without them, but I am reminded that I am but one person who can continue on their legacy amongst the thousands of other fans.
It's been almost a year... if I can make it to that milestone it will seem like an accomplishment. A small one, but it will be one nonetheless.

Stay Gold,

The reality reflected in these eyes, put together on a white piece of paper that
will be written in the future, cannot save the voice, that cannot be written or spelled.

I dream, while ungracefully, searching for this light. Holding onto this with a will, that cannot be shaken,
in order to grip for something.
With the stare of reality, that holds no hope, not like in the dream.
Current Location: Bed
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Rentrer en Soi - 微熱下で写実した深層は宛先不明の手紙と成る