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15 July 2010 @ 10:21 am
When I look back I notice that my lj is really fucking depressing x3
Not even going to try and hide that fact, it is and I am going to ammend this~ And now that I am home (and still unemployed thus = nothing to doooooo) I am going to update it regularly and am going to have projects I think. Just because they are in fact things that I can do~
So my first project.
If you have never tried decorating an attic that is 90% artex and brick, I would highly recommend against it.
The colours we are going would be 'Candyfloss', 'Mocha' and 'Almond Cream'. Yes, my room is going to be quite delicious, non? = 7 =
So far... I have an undercoat orz. Well most of it. The last bit of that is going to be done today but that means using Cellar paint.
My aim for today is do not get any more paint in my hair B| And then tomorrow, going to actually pick up the colour paint, and then in the afternoon I am off too Preston for a long weekend to seeeee peeeeoooooople whom I miss and love and adore~ ♥

I will put up progress pictures of my room shortly.
Au Revoir♚
Current Location: An exceptionally white room
Current Mood: artisticartistic
Current Music: Coeur de Pirate - Francis
24 May 2010 @ 04:08 am
Words only bring problems.
A life in silence? Would it be such a bad thing?
After all they always say that actions speak louder than words...

There is a silence where hath been no sound,
There is a silence where no sound may be,
In the cold grave--under the deep, deep, sea,
Or in wide desert where no life is found,
Which hath been mute, and still must sleep profound;
No voice is hushed--no life treads silently,
But clouds and cloudy shadows wander free,
That never spoke, over the idle ground:
But in green ruins, in the desolate walls
Of antique palaces, where Man hath been,
Though the dun fox, or wild hyena, calls,
And owls, that flit continually between,
Shriek to the echo, and the low winds moan,
There the true Silence is, self-conscious and alone.
-- Thomas Hood
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: Michael Nyman - The Promise
31 January 2010 @ 12:07 am
What the fuck is wrong with me?
It's been over a year now
Over a fucking year
Yet I still spend entire nights crying

I miss you so much
I can't do this without you...

Current Location: dePreston
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Rentrer en Soi - 全景色腐り果てる今、唯一…
21 December 2009 @ 11:47 pm
Fuck it.
Seriously, fuck it this year.
All I feel can do for the season this year is be there. The 25th December is not a good day anymore, but I am going to try and be there for the people around me.
It will have been a year since Rentrer en Soi's last ever live, and 6 months since the death...
The year has gone by so quickly and I can't wait for the next ten days to get over and done with.
I don't know what I am expecting from 2010 but let's face it, how can it get worse?
I wish I could just leave England, leave everything I have here and piss off somewhere else.
Possibly why I am determined to have my day trip to Paris when Student Loan comes in. It might only be for a day but it's a day out of the country.

The snow is still falling.
Lightly but it's still coming.
I like to think it's him right now, reminding us of the beauty that this world can give.
Current Location: In my head
Current Mood: numbnumb
Current Music: Ghosts - Michael Jackson
26 September 2009 @ 02:00 am
A tad emotional, beware. The ReS has been cracked out for the evening so you know its bad...

So last night I realised my life ambition. Its what I have always wanted to do, and the only thing I can see myself doing in the future. I have tried to sidetrack with wanting to be a doctor, and a stylist, and a teacher and a translator but at the end of the day all I want to do is to be heard, I want to have the world hear my voice and to affect people the way so many people have done for me. I want to continue on that legacy which seems to be so overlooked and under-appreciated; the way a voice can change someones life.

Basically, I just want to be able to sing forever.

And yesterday I realised that the rate I am going, there is next to no chance that will ever happen.
And that is depressing.
I have cried much over this and tears don't help.
It has broken my heart to realise how far away this dream is from me.

Fortunately Holly has been here to tell me if that is what I want to do, I have to do something about it. For example I am now hoping to join the UCLan choir or a singing society that they have, and hoping also that with taking up independent studies there is a chance I will be able to take up atleast one module from their Music Practise course.

On top of that, having had an angry day followed by a depressing evening, I have found myself unable to listen to anything other than Rentrer and not in the good kind of way I was yesterday. Alot of the things that have supported me through the years, non-personally-known-people-wise seem to be slowly falling away from me.
I thought I had come to terms with this.
I thought I could have accepted it by now.
It was eleven months ago today when the news was broken and I still feel ripped in two from it.
Despite how I have tried, no-one will be able to fill that gap that they have left.
I have often found myself wondering if it is even worth it now without them, but I am reminded that I am but one person who can continue on their legacy amongst the thousands of other fans.
It's been almost a year... if I can make it to that milestone it will seem like an accomplishment. A small one, but it will be one nonetheless.

Stay Gold,

The reality reflected in these eyes, put together on a white piece of paper that
will be written in the future, cannot save the voice, that cannot be written or spelled.

I dream, while ungracefully, searching for this light. Holding onto this with a will, that cannot be shaken,
in order to grip for something.
With the stare of reality, that holds no hope, not like in the dream.
Current Location: Bed
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Rentrer en Soi - 微熱下で写実した深層は宛先不明の手紙と成る
15 August 2009 @ 01:57 pm
Crystal is supposed to be released in 6 days... yet there is still nothing about where to order it from ;3333;
Nothing on the site.
Can't blame Satsuki for a lack of updates considering he's been quite down lately because of Jasmine's death, but I just want an order page x_x Getting worried I won't get it D:
Current Location: bed
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: rentrer en soi - CRUSADE
10 August 2009 @ 01:31 am
If one more undeserving person dies, I am going to kill someone.
Someone who doesn't deserve to live while beautiful, talented people are being ripped from the earth.
I feel shit.
Current Location: bed
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Versailles - Windress
02 July 2009 @ 03:24 pm
'Last updated 9 weeks ago'
Lol what a twat
I can hardly even call that a worthwhile entry x3

Even if you don't care, you are getting told >.>

University wise I am finished for the year, not that is was productive at all. I did the grand epitome of fuck all after the whole ReS thing happened; I am finally over that thank god! Atleast I think I am x3 But it made me realise how much I hate TESOL; I love the theory to it but the practical and me doesn't agree. I'd love to do one on one teaching however I can't do that to get my degree. Considering I am still fucked in the head I cannot be dealing with standing infront of a classroom full of people. But the good thing is that as of September Japanese is going major so I am pretty sure I'm going to be doing that with Independent Studies and therefore just pick and choose modules from other courses.

Sanity wise everything is still a bit questionable; my assumptions were correct in my idea that my original diagnosis was incorrect and now that I know what is wrong with me, I will hopefully be getting help into how to deal with my problems so thats a one-up!

I am going on holiday tomorrow! With the father, Torio and Toz going to be in South of France until the 12th of July so will get to break away from the real world and have a good ol' relax. Plans so far consist of a trip to Futuroscope (I fucking love that place 8D), Ile D'oleron, Saint Emilion, Royan, Saintes, Cognac so the usual. ITS ALL GOOD! Then the day after coming back going down to London to the O2 for a memorial...

Yes now the thing I am sure many people are sick of reading about is about to be discussed.

It saddens me when I get asked by people 'were you a fan before he died?' Seriously, people have asked me this and I also had a certain dick'ead who will go un-named accusing me of jumping on the bandwagon. I know there are people out there who this would be the case for, and to be fair I am not going to judge them because I just want this man remembered for all the good things he did and if more people want to listen to him, then that is more people to pass his music on. However, it does cut rather deep when you are accused of such a thing when you're childhood hero passes away. I was devastated when ReS just disbanded so this was even more of a shock, one that I don't think has yet sunk in properly as I am typing this and it all seems so surreal. Part of me is expecting to wake up at any minute. Its hard to put into words how it has made me feel... even though all I can do is keep his legacy going so that generations to come will be able to experience the wonders that was the greatest entertainer of all time. He will always be remembered in HIStory.

Rest In Peace Michael; the rumours can't hurt you where you are now and remember that in your darkest hours, in your deepest despair, in your trials and tribulations, through your doubts and frustrations, in your violence and in your turbulence, through your fear and confessions, in your anguish and pain and your joy and your sorrow we were all there, and we will always be there.
Current Location: The Living Room
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Will You Be There - Michael Jackson
25 April 2009 @ 03:07 am

Its quieter than shouting.
Don't think that'd be appreciated at 3am.

Current Location: Trinity
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Rentrer en Soi - I Was Damned