FOR FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE

A tad emotional, beware. The ReS has been cracked out for the evening so you know its bad...

So last night I realised my life ambition. Its what I have always wanted to do, and the only thing I can see myself doing in the future. I have tried to sidetrack with wanting to be a doctor, and a stylist, and a teacher and a translator but at the end of the day all I want to do is to be heard, I want to have the world hear my voice and to affect people the way so many people have done for me. I want to continue on that legacy which seems to be so overlooked and under-appreciated; the way a voice can change someones life.

Basically, I just want to be able to sing forever.

And yesterday I realised that the rate I am going, there is next to no chance that will ever happen.
And that is depressing.
I have cried much over this and tears don't help.
It has broken my heart to realise how far away this dream is from me.

Fortunately Holly has been here to tell me if that is what I want to do, I have to do something about it. For example I am now hoping to join the UCLan choir or a singing society that they have, and hoping also that with taking up independent studies there is a chance I will be able to take up atleast one module from their Music Practise course.

On top of that, having had an angry day followed by a depressing evening, I have found myself unable to listen to anything other than Rentrer and not in the good kind of way I was yesterday. Alot of the things that have supported me through the years, non-personally-known-people-wise seem to be slowly falling away from me.
I thought I had come to terms with this.
I thought I could have accepted it by now.
It was eleven months ago today when the news was broken and I still feel ripped in two from it.
Despite how I have tried, no-one will be able to fill that gap that they have left.
I have often found myself wondering if it is even worth it now without them, but I am reminded that I am but one person who can continue on their legacy amongst the thousands of other fans.
It's been almost a year... if I can make it to that milestone it will seem like an accomplishment. A small one, but it will be one nonetheless.

Stay Gold,
Nao.

The reality reflected in these eyes, put together on a white piece of paper that
will be written in the future, cannot save the voice, that cannot be written or spelled.

I dream, while ungracefully, searching for this light. Holding onto this with a will, that cannot be shaken,
in order to grip for something.
With the stare of reality, that holds no hope, not like in the dream.

Crystal is supposed to be released in 6 days... yet there is still nothing about where to order it from ;3333;
Nothing on the site.
Can't blame Satsuki for a lack of updates considering he's been quite down lately because of Jasmine's death, but I just want an order page x_x Getting worried I won't get it D:

If one more undeserving person dies, I am going to kill someone.
Someone who doesn't deserve to live while beautiful, talented people are being ripped from the earth.
I feel shit.

'Last updated 9 weeks ago'
Lol what a twat
I can hardly even call that a worthwhile entry x3

WHAT HAS HAPPENED THEN I HEAR YOU ASK?!
Even if you don't care, you are getting told >.>

University wise I am finished for the year, not that is was productive at all. I did the grand epitome of fuck all after the whole ReS thing happened; I am finally over that thank god! Atleast I think I am x3 But it made me realise how much I hate TESOL; I love the theory to it but the practical and me doesn't agree. I'd love to do one on one teaching however I can't do that to get my degree. Considering I am still fucked in the head I cannot be dealing with standing infront of a classroom full of people. But the good thing is that as of September Japanese is going major so I am pretty sure I'm going to be doing that with Independent Studies and therefore just pick and choose modules from other courses.

Sanity wise everything is still a bit questionable; my assumptions were correct in my idea that my original diagnosis was incorrect and now that I know what is wrong with me, I will hopefully be getting help into how to deal with my problems so thats a one-up!

I am going on holiday tomorrow! With the father, Torio and Toz going to be in South of France until the 12th of July so will get to break away from the real world and have a good ol' relax. Plans so far consist of a trip to Futuroscope (I fucking love that place 8D), Ile D'oleron, Saint Emilion, Royan, Saintes, Cognac so the usual. ITS ALL GOOD! Then the day after coming back going down to London to the O2 for a memorial...

Yes now the thing I am sure many people are sick of reading about is about to be discussed.

It saddens me when I get asked by people 'were you a fan before he died?' Seriously, people have asked me this and I also had a certain dick'ead who will go un-named accusing me of jumping on the bandwagon. I know there are people out there who this would be the case for, and to be fair I am not going to judge them because I just want this man remembered for all the good things he did and if more people want to listen to him, then that is more people to pass his music on. However, it does cut rather deep when you are accused of such a thing when you're childhood hero passes away. I was devastated when ReS just disbanded so this was even more of a shock, one that I don't think has yet sunk in properly as I am typing this and it all seems so surreal. Part of me is expecting to wake up at any minute. Its hard to put into words how it has made me feel... even though all I can do is keep his legacy going so that generations to come will be able to experience the wonders that was the greatest entertainer of all time. He will always be remembered in HIStory.

Rest In Peace Michael; the rumours can't hurt you where you are now and remember that in your darkest hours, in your deepest despair, in your trials and tribulations, through your doubts and frustrations, in your violence and in your turbulence, through your fear and confessions, in your anguish and pain and your joy and your sorrow we were all there, and we will always be there.

FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKk

Its quieter than shouting.
Don't think that'd be appreciated at 3am.



Why?

http://taion.wordpress.com/category/satsuki/

Getting that.
End of story.

Until your distress sleeps,
Fill me up with your grief.
Until your distress sleeps...

Hello, dear; my bride
何を見ているの
床に散った　蝶も拾えぬその目で
Hello, dear; my bride
What are you looking at?
You can't pick up the butterfly that fell to the ground with those eyes.


忘れたいのは　白すぎた苦痛
信じてると　言い聞かす
傷は消えない
What I want to forget, the pure white agony...
If I believe,
The wounds I've substained won't heal.


踊る　踊る　眠らせてと踊る
止まぬ涙
声を殺し　弱く震える手に　唇を落とす
Dance, dance, I let you sleep and dance
The tears won't stop.
Kill your voice, and with those hand that quiver weakly,
Clean your lips.


Hello, dear; my bride
足元を焼く
耳鳴りにもう　近づく必要など
無意識に吐いた　息が肌を沿う
寡黙揺らす刃に　笑みを
Hello, dear; my bride
Your feet are burning.
The buzzing in your ears is becoming a need
Your breaths of unconsciousness
Runs along my skin
The smile in the blade that swings silently.


忘れたいのは　白すぎた苦痛
信じてると　言い聞かす　
傷は消えない
The thing I want to forget, the pure white agony...
If I believe,
The wounds I've substained won't heal.


痩せた夢に　冷めぬ今が写る
悲しみさえ　素顔だよと　答えてくれるなら
傷ついてもいい
In the barren dreams,
The reality that does not wake up reflects the present.
Even the grief...If it answers me with a real face,
It's okay if I get hurt...


忘れないで
痛みを知る　貴方に惹かれた鼓動
ここで
Don't forget;
The throbbing is attracted to you, who knows pain,
I wait here...


「おやすみ」
"Goodnight."


踊る　踊る　眠れるまで踊る
止まぬ涙
何もないと　心を伏せる度　枯れそうだと
痩せた夢に　もう一度を歌う
悲しみさえ　自分だよと　答えてくれるなら　
傷ついてもいい
Dance, dance, dance until I can fall asleep.
The tears do not stop.
If there is nothing, then the time that closes the heart
Will wither away.
In the barren dreams, I sing once more;
Even the grief...if it answers me with myself,
It's okay if I get hurt...

Until your distress sleeps,
Fill me up with your grief.
Until your distress sleeps...

終わるはずの夢に「さよなら」が咲いてる
In the dream that should end, "Goodbye" is blooming...


The only thing stopping me from going over the edge right now...

Oh
My
God


BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
-rolls around-
I can't believe how much I missed my bed back home, its only been 2 months since I have been in it, but oh how I missed thee
I love you bed...
Please, never leave me
-roll-

I am selling some stuff, as I have like no money and need to make my final payment on Euclase soon x_x

For sale I have a Pauls Boutique bag, Alba Rosa Visor and a sex pot jumper

( details under the cut )